Duits Engels
De Molen in 1875

How To Win At Video Poker

Fri 05 May 2017 How To Win At Video Poker

There are two simple and fun strategies you can employ for the low-paying machines I've alerted you to in the preceding chapters, those in the under 94.9% category—strategies that are wonderful to play if you are sadistically inclined and lacking in any human decency, that is. Also if you are not afraid to be killed or maimed.

Take a bucket of coins and go to a machine in an area with very little traffic. Make sure no one is playing any machines near you. Now, take heaping handfuls of coin and dump them into the tray— dump them as hard and loud as you can. With each dump, let out a scream: "Hooray! Another winner!" When people come over—as they inevitably will, jump up and down and shout: "I know these machines are supposed to stink but, hell, I've been winning a fortune on them! Yahoo!" Now, scoop up all the coins and put them back into your bucket stating for all to hear: "God, looks like this machine could hit forever!" For those of you who are really devious and have not the slightest drop of the milk of human kindness in your heart, turn to the assembled crowd and offer to sell the machine to them. "Hey, for twenty bucks, I'll let you have the machine because I gotta go. Anyone interested?" You might even be able to start a bidding war.

For Joker Poker you can follow a specific strategy. Since you are dealing with machines that have a joker, you will become a human joker. In this way you can maximize your chance of actually turning a rather large negative expectation into a decidedly positive one—or die trying.

Here's what you do.

Go to the area of the casino where the lowest-paying joker-poker machines can be found (in some states, notably New Jersey and Louisiana, this will be the entire casino because all the joker-poker varieties are low paying). Then start telling really stupid jokes. You might want to purchase a book or two of stupid jokes and just read them at the top of your lungs. Laugh heartily at every awful joke you make. Or, get some really funny jokes and butcher them. Tell them so badly that people can't follow the punchline even if they are trying to follow the joke. You might even want to dress up like a court jester to really solidify the effect.

Now, three things will probably happen to you after a short while of this behavior: the security guards will escort you out of the casino, or several patrons will pay you to leave the area, or an enraged patron will kill you. If the second in the foregoing sequence happens, you will have made money. If the third happens, your heirs will have made money (if you have insurance). If the first happens, consider it a push.

[My wife and gaming partner, the beautiful A.P., informs me that many readers don't want to read my adolescent humor concerning what to do with low-paying machines. What she doesn't realize is that having researched, analyzed, and written the strategies for the good versions of the machines contained in the first six chapters of this book, I'm drunk on statistics and computer programs and I have a sneaky feeling that my computer monitor is sending me signals from aliens in space. These signals said: "Take a break, take a break, before plunging on." So who should I listen to? My wife? Or superior beings from the planet V.D.O. who are speaking to me through my monitor?]

The respite is over. We plunge onward.




Duits Engels